I have been toying with the idea of blogging again. It's mostly a need to write, to let out my feelings and ideas, my thoughts on all that has transpired these last few years.
For some reason, I felt I needed pictures. There needed to be an image to go with this expressing of self. I'm a visual person and I'm drawn to the image first. And the blogging stopped.
Maybe I will add something later.
The trigger for all, to write again, is death.
What has been swimming around in my head though was the idea of the supermarket. We all gather there at some point. At least many of us and I'm mostly thinking of the local market rather than some super store where it's so big you get lost. No, this is the local store you run in for a few things.
We run into friends that we haven't seen in awhile and catch up and so it becomes social. Socially nurturing us as well as getting the substance we need to keep us alive. Nurturing the body and the soul.
A lot has been happening.
It's been a year since John has gone on in-home hospice. Last year he was in and out of the hospital so much, they suggested this. For the most part, it has been a tremendous help and I have a tremendous support system.
The biggest challenge is getting an aide that can be here when I need one. Esteban was great, but left.
Still waiting on another one that can work afternoons.. but I digress.
One after another it seems.
I run to the supermarket pretty often. Last week after John fell and didn't sleep well for almost a week, I was on the edge. I tried my darndest to hold it together but at one point, it leaked out of me on to a shoulder of a friend at the supermarket.
The other day, yesterday, I ran into a past acquaintance and found out her son whom I had know since preschool had died as well as her husband. It hit me pretty hard and couldn't sleep. John and I talked for awhile. He was clear and it felt great to talk.. really talk. It's something that's been lacking due to various reasons, ammonia levels being one of them. He was there to comfort me for a change.
Jessi's dad passed this morning.
He passed while I was probably at the market or getting ready to go to the gallery.
I needed some alone time today. Quiet time. Time to clean up and reorganize.
It all seems to just slip away bit by bit and now I think about this connection of food and death.
We need food to live. John has a healthy appetite and it makes me feel he'll be around for awhile. He loves food. Gathering our food. A meeting of souls in our gathering places, markets of various kinds.
We find solace in food. My friend even said her therapy was cooking. Mine art, and also sweets.
First step back.. it might get weird.